Danger Is All Around

Everywhere you look, Danger is lurking. Think you're safe at home? Think again! Your home is by far the most dangerous place you can ever be. If I were you, I'd move out now and just live on the street. The chances of a piano falling on your head if you live on the sidewalk are pretty low, but what if you have a piano IN your home? Think about it.

Here are some oft-overlooked Dangers that I have encountered at home. Memorize this list and maybe you will avoid some of them.

Getting Cheese in Your Eye
You wouldn't think accidentally wiping a small amount of cheese on your eyeball would be Dangerous, but it is. Cheese stings like a motherfucker - especially if it's chedder.

Opening The Front Door
It's hard to imagine gouging 1/4 of your knuckle clean off while turning a key in a lock, but I've done it about four times in the last month and it is fucking painful.

Cornstarch
Last night, I sliced a 1cm cut in my left forefinger opening the foil seal on a tin of cornstarch. It was like being cut by a tiny knife that came out of nowhere and then disappeared again right after. And it turned out I didn't even need the cornstarch.

Taking a Shower
About 3 times a week, I stub my toe on the side of the bathtub, which is tiled at right-angles, forming a sharp protrudence that acts like a magnet for smaller toes.

Owning a Dog
Owning a dog is like running through a thorny forest, throwing $20 bills into the breeze as you wiz painfully by. When I got a dog, I didn't realize that her therapy sessions would cost more than mine. Sure, there are those times when the dog fetches a stick or eats the pizza slice you dropped on the floor so that you don't have to clean it up, but most of the time, owning a dog involves getting mauled, scratched, and jumped on by a 65lb retarded person and - such as last night - having them run at 20 miles an hour straight into your eye-socket.

Being In A Relationship & Sleeping in a Loftbed
There's nothing sexy about a cracked rib. Having a concussion, on the other hand, is hot. There's nothing like anonymous sex - especially when you're not even sure who you are.