I just mistyped birdonbushwick into blogger and it came out as birdonorchard. For many years, my blog was called The Bird On Orchard Street (www.birdonorchard.com - but don't look for it on the web, unless you're looking in Google cache, for it is no more). Then I moved to Bushwick and I had to change the name of the blog. And being incredibly lazy, I went with Blogger rather than build my own blog app, as I've done in the past.
Anyway, when I typed in birdonorchard.blogspot.com what came up was some CHICK using Bird On Orchard as her moniker! What the fuck!? The cheek of it! I mean how dare she! Trollop! What is the world coming to when people can just STEAL your entire pseudonym wholesale and use it to write some ridiculous screed about people bothering them at the gym? Blah blah blah like anyone cares about your ridiculous-yet-boring life!
Do me a favor, lady, and sod off!
Oh wait... Turns out the bitch is me. Hey now. Oops.
When did I create this blog? When did I write this lone entry? Why did this blog fizzle out before it even began? Where do babies come from? There are so many questions...
Monday, September 29, 2008
Saturday, September 27, 2008
Lil' Lemmy
This is Lil' Lemmy (formerly Rad Kitty). We're looking after her for a few days. She needs a good home! We already have too many animals or we would adopt her. She is beyond cute.
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
2CV
My brother, me, and my sister standing in front of Larry, our battered old citroen 2CV, some time in the late '70s.
Things to note:
My sister still wears the same basic outfit: floaty peasant top with jeans;
My brother has the same mop of hair, just a bit less blond; and,
I still like to wear cute skirts - and always match my purse to my outfit!
Very little ever really changes.
Friday, September 19, 2008
7 Beers
The Boyfriend: I'm going to get drunk before you even get home.
Me: But I'll be home right after you!
The Boyfriend: Too bad. This is what happens when you send me home alone. I get drunk. by 7.
Me: By 7 beers?
Me: But I'll be home right after you!
The Boyfriend: Too bad. This is what happens when you send me home alone. I get drunk. by 7.
Me: By 7 beers?
Thursday, September 18, 2008
Rock Out With Your Dogs Out
Today, The Boyfriend and I journey to, presumably, a nearby shop, to buy Rockband II. At some point (viz. as soon as I make some money), I will buy the upgraded wireless drumkit
The track list for RBII is pretty awesome. White Wedding, anyone? Oh, I think so - indeed yes.
Here's the full Track List, with the songs I plan to Rock Out to highlighted in bold. The Songs that will be Getting Served (by me) when I'm done Rocking Out to the other songs are highlighted in italics.
1. AC/DC “Let There Be Rock”
2. AFI “Girl’s Gone Grey”
3. Alanis Morissette “You Oughta Know” (worst. song. ever.)
4. Alice in Chains “Man in the Box”
5. Allman Brothers “Ramblin’ Man”
6. Avenged Sevenfold “Almost Easy”
7. Bad Company “Shooting Star”
8. Beastie Boys “So Whatcha Want”
9. Beck “E-Pro”
10. Bikini Kill “Rebel Girl”
11. Billy Idol “White Wedding Pt. I”
12. Blondie “One Way or Another”
13. Bob Dylan “Tangled Up in Blue"
14. Bon Jovi “Livin’ on a Prayer”
15. Cheap Trick “Hello There”
16. Devo “Uncontrollable Urge”
17. Dinosaur Jr. “Feel the Pain”
18. Disturbed “Down with the Sickness”
19. Dream Theater “Panic Attack”
20. Duran Duran “Hungry Like the Wolf”
21. Elvis Costello “Pump It Up”
22. Fleetwood Mac “Go Your Own Way”
23. Foo Fighters “Everlong”
24. Guns N’ Roses “Shackler’s Revenge”
25. Interpol “PDA”
26. Jane’s Addiction “Mountain Song”
27. Jethro Tull “Aqualung”
28. Jimmy Eat World “The Middle”
29. Joan Jett “Bad Reputation”
30. Journey “Anyway You Want It”
31. Judas Priest “Painkiller”
32. Kansas “Carry On Wayward Son”
33. L7 “Pretend We’re Dead”
34. Lacuna Coil “Our Truth”
35. Linkin Park “One Step Closer”
36. Lit “My Own Worst Enemy”
37. Lush “De-Luxe”
38. Mastodon “Colony of Birchmen”
39. Megadeth “Peace Sells”
40. Metallica “Battery"
41. Mighty Mighty Bosstones “Where’d You Go”
42. Modest Mouse “Float On”
43. Motorhead “Ace of Spades”
44. Nirvana “Drain You”
45. Norman Greenbaum “Spirit in the Sky”
46. Panic at the Disco “Nine in the Afternoon”
47. Paramore “That’s What You Get”
48. Pearl Jam “Alive”
49. Presidents of the USA “Lump”
50. Rage Against the Machine “Testify”
51. Ratt “Round & Round”
52. Red Hot Chili Peppers “Give it Away”
53. Rise Against “Give it All”
54. Rush “The Trees”
55. Silversun Pickups “Lazy Eye”
56. Smashing Pumpkins “Today”
57. Social Distortion “I Was Wrong”
58. Sonic Youth “Teenage Riot”
59. Soundgarden “Spoonman”
60. Squeeze “Cool for Cats”
61. Steely Dan “Bodhitsattva”
62. Steve Miller Band “Rock’n Me"
63. Survivor “Eye of the Tiger”
64. System of a Down “Chop Suey”
65. Talking Heads “Psycho Killer”
66. Tenacious D “Master Exploder”
67. Testament “Souls of Black”
68. The Donnas “New Kid in School”
69. The Go-Go’s “We Got the Beat”
70. The Grateful Dead “Alabama Getaway”
71. The Guess Who “American Woman”
72. The Muffs “Kids in America”
73. The Offspring “Come Out & Play (Keep ‘em Separated)”
74. The Replacements “Alex Chilton”
75. The Who “Pinball Wizard”
That's right, "Hungry Like The Wolf" will be Getting Served and Rocked Out to at the same time!
The track list for RBII is pretty awesome. White Wedding, anyone? Oh, I think so - indeed yes.
Here's the full Track List, with the songs I plan to Rock Out to highlighted in bold. The Songs that will be Getting Served (by me) when I'm done Rocking Out to the other songs are highlighted in italics.
1. AC/DC “Let There Be Rock”
2. AFI “Girl’s Gone Grey”
3. Alanis Morissette “You Oughta Know” (worst. song. ever.)
4. Alice in Chains “Man in the Box”
5. Allman Brothers “Ramblin’ Man”
6. Avenged Sevenfold “Almost Easy”
7. Bad Company “Shooting Star”
8. Beastie Boys “So Whatcha Want”
9. Beck “E-Pro”
10. Bikini Kill “Rebel Girl”
11. Billy Idol “White Wedding Pt. I”
12. Blondie “One Way or Another”
13. Bob Dylan “Tangled Up in Blue"
14. Bon Jovi “Livin’ on a Prayer”
15. Cheap Trick “Hello There”
16. Devo “Uncontrollable Urge”
17. Dinosaur Jr. “Feel the Pain”
18. Disturbed “Down with the Sickness”
19. Dream Theater “Panic Attack”
20. Duran Duran “Hungry Like the Wolf”
21. Elvis Costello “Pump It Up”
22. Fleetwood Mac “Go Your Own Way”
23. Foo Fighters “Everlong”
24. Guns N’ Roses “Shackler’s Revenge”
25. Interpol “PDA”
26. Jane’s Addiction “Mountain Song”
27. Jethro Tull “Aqualung”
28. Jimmy Eat World “The Middle”
29. Joan Jett “Bad Reputation”
30. Journey “Anyway You Want It”
31. Judas Priest “Painkiller”
32. Kansas “Carry On Wayward Son”
33. L7 “Pretend We’re Dead”
34. Lacuna Coil “Our Truth”
35. Linkin Park “One Step Closer”
36. Lit “My Own Worst Enemy”
37. Lush “De-Luxe”
38. Mastodon “Colony of Birchmen”
39. Megadeth “Peace Sells”
40. Metallica “Battery"
41. Mighty Mighty Bosstones “Where’d You Go”
42. Modest Mouse “Float On”
43. Motorhead “Ace of Spades”
44. Nirvana “Drain You”
45. Norman Greenbaum “Spirit in the Sky”
46. Panic at the Disco “Nine in the Afternoon”
47. Paramore “That’s What You Get”
48. Pearl Jam “Alive”
49. Presidents of the USA “Lump”
50. Rage Against the Machine “Testify”
51. Ratt “Round & Round”
52. Red Hot Chili Peppers “Give it Away”
53. Rise Against “Give it All”
54. Rush “The Trees”
55. Silversun Pickups “Lazy Eye”
56. Smashing Pumpkins “Today”
57. Social Distortion “I Was Wrong”
58. Sonic Youth “Teenage Riot”
59. Soundgarden “Spoonman”
60. Squeeze “Cool for Cats”
61. Steely Dan “Bodhitsattva”
62. Steve Miller Band “Rock’n Me"
63. Survivor “Eye of the Tiger”
64. System of a Down “Chop Suey”
65. Talking Heads “Psycho Killer”
66. Tenacious D “Master Exploder”
67. Testament “Souls of Black”
68. The Donnas “New Kid in School”
69. The Go-Go’s “We Got the Beat”
70. The Grateful Dead “Alabama Getaway”
71. The Guess Who “American Woman”
72. The Muffs “Kids in America”
73. The Offspring “Come Out & Play (Keep ‘em Separated)”
74. The Replacements “Alex Chilton”
75. The Who “Pinball Wizard”
That's right, "Hungry Like The Wolf" will be Getting Served and Rocked Out to at the same time!
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Friday, September 12, 2008
Danger Is All Around
Everywhere you look, Danger is lurking. Think you're safe at home? Think again! Your home is by far the most dangerous place you can ever be. If I were you, I'd move out now and just live on the street. The chances of a piano falling on your head if you live on the sidewalk are pretty low, but what if you have a piano IN your home? Think about it.
Here are some oft-overlooked Dangers that I have encountered at home. Memorize this list and maybe you will avoid some of them.
Getting Cheese in Your Eye
You wouldn't think accidentally wiping a small amount of cheese on your eyeball would be Dangerous, but it is. Cheese stings like a motherfucker - especially if it's chedder.
Opening The Front Door
It's hard to imagine gouging 1/4 of your knuckle clean off while turning a key in a lock, but I've done it about four times in the last month and it is fucking painful.
Cornstarch
Last night, I sliced a 1cm cut in my left forefinger opening the foil seal on a tin of cornstarch. It was like being cut by a tiny knife that came out of nowhere and then disappeared again right after. And it turned out I didn't even need the cornstarch.
Taking a Shower
About 3 times a week, I stub my toe on the side of the bathtub, which is tiled at right-angles, forming a sharp protrudence that acts like a magnet for smaller toes.
Owning a Dog
Owning a dog is like running through a thorny forest, throwing $20 bills into the breeze as you wiz painfully by. When I got a dog, I didn't realize that her therapy sessions would cost more than mine. Sure, there are those times when the dog fetches a stick or eats the pizza slice you dropped on the floor so that you don't have to clean it up, but most of the time, owning a dog involves getting mauled, scratched, and jumped on by a 65lb retarded person and - such as last night - having them run at 20 miles an hour straight into your eye-socket.
Being In A Relationship & Sleeping in a Loftbed
There's nothing sexy about a cracked rib. Having a concussion, on the other hand, is hot. There's nothing like anonymous sex - especially when you're not even sure who you are.
Here are some oft-overlooked Dangers that I have encountered at home. Memorize this list and maybe you will avoid some of them.
Getting Cheese in Your Eye
You wouldn't think accidentally wiping a small amount of cheese on your eyeball would be Dangerous, but it is. Cheese stings like a motherfucker - especially if it's chedder.
Opening The Front Door
It's hard to imagine gouging 1/4 of your knuckle clean off while turning a key in a lock, but I've done it about four times in the last month and it is fucking painful.
Cornstarch
Last night, I sliced a 1cm cut in my left forefinger opening the foil seal on a tin of cornstarch. It was like being cut by a tiny knife that came out of nowhere and then disappeared again right after. And it turned out I didn't even need the cornstarch.
Taking a Shower
About 3 times a week, I stub my toe on the side of the bathtub, which is tiled at right-angles, forming a sharp protrudence that acts like a magnet for smaller toes.
Owning a Dog
Owning a dog is like running through a thorny forest, throwing $20 bills into the breeze as you wiz painfully by. When I got a dog, I didn't realize that her therapy sessions would cost more than mine. Sure, there are those times when the dog fetches a stick or eats the pizza slice you dropped on the floor so that you don't have to clean it up, but most of the time, owning a dog involves getting mauled, scratched, and jumped on by a 65lb retarded person and - such as last night - having them run at 20 miles an hour straight into your eye-socket.
Being In A Relationship & Sleeping in a Loftbed
There's nothing sexy about a cracked rib. Having a concussion, on the other hand, is hot. There's nothing like anonymous sex - especially when you're not even sure who you are.
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
The 10 Things You Do That Are Really Annoying
10. Stop pouring the top inch and a half of your steaming hot coffee into the trash bin for some poor wage slave to clean up later, when the entire contents have congealed into a big sopping mess. If you need extra room in your cup, just ASK FOR EXTRA ROOM when you order your coffee. Jerk.
9. When waiting at a bank of elevators, don't assume that if the one nearest to you opens up, you should get in it. Look around and see if there are some other people who might have been waiting longer than you to get into a car. Try letting them get where they're going first. You'll get your turn.
8. At the office, put your fucking cellphone on vibrate or - better yet - put it on quiet and place it somewhere where you can see if someone is calling you. Not everyone wants to hear your shitty ringtone 5 times an hour.
7. If you're begging for change, don't spin some yarn about why you need me to give you 75 cents. Just ask me for the money. I might have it. I might not. But it will save us both valuable time if you refrain from telling me a story about how you need to get up to 96th street, or that your non-existant car was broken into by your crazy ex-wife. Extra points for NOT showing me the scar you got from a completely unrelated operation you had many years ago that has nothing to do with anything.
6. If you're on holiday here in our fair city, and you're taking a stroll down a busy avenue, get the FUCK OUT OF MY WAY SO I CAN GET TO WORK. When's the last time I stood in front of your SUV back in Iowa when you were trying to get to Wallmart? Exactly.
5. Hey Hipsters: GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD BEFORE YOU GET RUN OVER. (p.s. you look ridiculous.)
4. If you live in my neighborhood and you've just eaten some chicken, try NOT throwing the chicken bones in the street so that my dog can choke on them later.
3. Think you might enjoy having a beer with someone you know very little about? Then you should DEFINITELY vote for them.
2. Making a "Top Ten" list? Try just listing the things you want to list, regardless of how many there are, so that you don't end up with a rogue filler item for the second-to-last one.
and, finally...
1. Stop giving out unsolicited advice. No one cares what you think.
9. When waiting at a bank of elevators, don't assume that if the one nearest to you opens up, you should get in it. Look around and see if there are some other people who might have been waiting longer than you to get into a car. Try letting them get where they're going first. You'll get your turn.
8. At the office, put your fucking cellphone on vibrate or - better yet - put it on quiet and place it somewhere where you can see if someone is calling you. Not everyone wants to hear your shitty ringtone 5 times an hour.
7. If you're begging for change, don't spin some yarn about why you need me to give you 75 cents. Just ask me for the money. I might have it. I might not. But it will save us both valuable time if you refrain from telling me a story about how you need to get up to 96th street, or that your non-existant car was broken into by your crazy ex-wife. Extra points for NOT showing me the scar you got from a completely unrelated operation you had many years ago that has nothing to do with anything.
6. If you're on holiday here in our fair city, and you're taking a stroll down a busy avenue, get the FUCK OUT OF MY WAY SO I CAN GET TO WORK. When's the last time I stood in front of your SUV back in Iowa when you were trying to get to Wallmart? Exactly.
5. Hey Hipsters: GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD BEFORE YOU GET RUN OVER. (p.s. you look ridiculous.)
4. If you live in my neighborhood and you've just eaten some chicken, try NOT throwing the chicken bones in the street so that my dog can choke on them later.
3. Think you might enjoy having a beer with someone you know very little about? Then you should DEFINITELY vote for them.
2. Making a "Top Ten" list? Try just listing the things you want to list, regardless of how many there are, so that you don't end up with a rogue filler item for the second-to-last one.
and, finally...
1. Stop giving out unsolicited advice. No one cares what you think.
Monday, September 8, 2008
TV Reviews!
Jacob from Television Without Pity gave True Blood an ebullient review. Were we watching the same show last night? I thought it was incredibly cheesy... This will probably not stop me from secretly enjoying watching it. And besides, there's a Buffy-shaped hole in the Universe that must be filled. This'll do - unless it really starts to suck. Pun. Intended.
Speaking ofblood sucking parasites new television shows, I lurved the new 90210. The first hour was more of the same yawn-inducing teen trauma trope (arguably invented by the original 90210, but that's nitpicking), that makes my toes numb with boredom. I almost switched it off. Luckily, I pushed through the pain and was rewarded in hour two with a Shannen cameo and The Mystery of Kelly's Babydaddy. Is it Dylan? Brandon? Steve? Nate from the Peach Pit!? My money's on Dylan.
And that, children, is today's TV Review.
Oh, and Entourage has jumped the shark - and the shark it jumped was jumping another shark while Entourage was jumping it. That's how bad it was.
Speaking of
And that, children, is today's TV Review.
Oh, and Entourage has jumped the shark - and the shark it jumped was jumping another shark while Entourage was jumping it. That's how bad it was.
Saturday, September 6, 2008
Slinkachu
"Little People in the City"
Slinkachu is a London artist who makes teeeny tiny models
of everyday people going about their business in the naked city...
Initially, he would create these pieces anonymously
and leave them to be discovered...
Now he's kinda famous; and you can read all about it in his blog.
Friday, September 5, 2008
Great Moments in Drink
Vol. 1: Beat This!
Starring British comedy duo, Winehouse & Church
(plus some confused session musicians).
Thursday, September 4, 2008
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Happy? Together
The Boyfriend and I work together - at least for the time-being. I'm a freelancer and he manages the "IT Group" for which I have been perma-lancing since early Jan, 07. We actually met on the job. I was seeing someone else at the time and, as far as I'm concerned, he was seething with jealousy and unrequited passion from about January through early May when I finally got a clue and invited him over to watch Lost and eat chocolate pudding. We've been together ever since - and I really mean that, because in addition to working together we also live together; and since he's not the kind of dude who needs "boys nights out" or any of that crap, we do a lot of socializing together as well. The last time he went to a strip club, for instance, I was there too - and the only unreasonable thing he did the whole night was to try to muscle in on my lap dance with Crystal (not her real name).
The "problem" is that it's not normal to work with your significant other. Unless you're Charles & Ray Eames or Jonathan & Jennifer Hart, working together is probably not in your best long-term interests as a couple; but we do get along pretty well.
Our typical working MO takes place via iChat and usually goes something like this:
The Bird: OK, to answer your question, no I wasn't putting it in manually. I was running a process manually that updated the data from live over to prod where the server settings allowed you to specify the type of file so that H___ could download the spreadsheet. All we would need to do is create a cron job to run that process instead and then we can have any number of automatic spreadsheet things going from live to prod.
[pause]
The Boyfriend: So... what needs to happen?
[pause]
The Boyfriend: Do I need to buy you a pony?
The "problem" is that it's not normal to work with your significant other. Unless you're Charles & Ray Eames or Jonathan & Jennifer Hart, working together is probably not in your best long-term interests as a couple; but we do get along pretty well.
Our typical working MO takes place via iChat and usually goes something like this:
The Bird: OK, to answer your question, no I wasn't putting it in manually. I was running a process manually that updated the data from live over to prod where the server settings allowed you to specify the type of file so that H___ could download the spreadsheet. All we would need to do is create a cron job to run that process instead and then we can have any number of automatic spreadsheet things going from live to prod.
[pause]
The Boyfriend: So... what needs to happen?
[pause]
The Boyfriend: Do I need to buy you a pony?
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
'68 - '73
Earlier Today, On IM
The Boyfriend: What is your favorite 5-year Stones era?
The Bird: Hmmm, well, if I've only got 5 years, then I would have to say '68 - '73 cuz it covers, basically, Beggar's Banquet through Goat's Head Soup. Exile and Goat's Head are the best 2 Stones albums, in my opinion.
The Boyfriend: I would pretty much agree with that!
The Bird: That's because it's true.
It's not exactly Desk Set, I know. We do occasionally disagree on things and have proper banter. Actually, we disagree on a lot of things, but not when it comes to important topics like music or, more recently, doorknobs...
Doorknobs
We are getting a pair of very expensive doorknobs - all the way from Maine (that's in Maine, in case you're not a geography buff). We can't afford a door to put the knobs on because we spent so much just getting the right knobs. You could say, "Well, why didn't you get a door first, you morons!" but try using a door that has no knobs. A ha! See!
The Boyfriend: What is your favorite 5-year Stones era?
The Bird: Hmmm, well, if I've only got 5 years, then I would have to say '68 - '73 cuz it covers, basically, Beggar's Banquet through Goat's Head Soup. Exile and Goat's Head are the best 2 Stones albums, in my opinion.
The Boyfriend: I would pretty much agree with that!
The Bird: That's because it's true.
It's not exactly Desk Set, I know. We do occasionally disagree on things and have proper banter. Actually, we disagree on a lot of things, but not when it comes to important topics like music or, more recently, doorknobs...
Doorknobs
We are getting a pair of very expensive doorknobs - all the way from Maine (that's in Maine, in case you're not a geography buff). We can't afford a door to put the knobs on because we spent so much just getting the right knobs. You could say, "Well, why didn't you get a door first, you morons!" but try using a door that has no knobs. A ha! See!
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