Seen the movie Dumb & Dumber? Good, then you know what my hair looks like right now - specifically, my bangs.
Needing a trim and wanting to save money, I popped into a Supercuts. How hard can it be to take an inch off? I mean, it's basically following an existing, reasonably straight line, right?
Wrong.
I look like the "stylist" stuck a bowl - a really tiny bowl - on my head and chopped around it with all the skill and focus of someone who regularly watches Two and a Half Men. I look like that kid you knew in middle school who got busted for grafitti-ing his own name on the side of a building.* I look like I regularly eat funyans and like to sniff my own armpits. I look like the kind of person who believes Sarah Palin is mavericky.
I look like a fucking retard.
It seems to be getting worse by the day. If you see me in the next month and I'm wearing a jaunty hat or rocking that same old headscarf look, then you'll know why. And if you're in need of a laugh in these difficult times, ask if you can take a look at my bangs. Just know that when you're done laughing, you're bloody well buying me a drink!
*Note: this actually happened at my middle school. But I am too classy to name names. Declan.
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Sunday, October 26, 2008
It Went a Little Something Like This
Last Thursday night we drove to Peekskill to see the Fall foliage and get our stroll on. Peekskill is the location of Eastland Academy, the ficticious girls' school from The Facts of Life. That's about all it has going for it - and there isn't even a special museum or a memorial to Tooty's rollerskates.
Anyway, by the time we got to our hotel, The Peekskill Inn, it was around 11pm and even colder than fuck. Luckily, we had brought our own hooch or I might have died of frosbite trying to find a bar.
The next day, we got up and drove around till we found a nice riverside walkway along which to stroll. We sat on a bench overlooking the majestic Hudson River. "Try not to look at the giant nuclear silo just across the way," said The Boyfriend, "and igore the Con Ed truck parked 10 feet to your left because I have something to tell you."
"Ooh, ok." I said. Hoping The Boyfriend was finally going to reveal that he secretly thinks Star Trek: TNG is cool!
"Last week, when I said I was helping D pick up his new kitchen table, I lied. I was actually looking at wedding rings."
Then The Boyfriend got down on one knee and asked me if I would marry him!
(I said yes, obviously. Hel-lo.)
A little while later, we made some calls to let people know the awesome news. I called my mother. Here's how that went:
The Bird: Mum! Guess what, I'm engaged!
The Mother: To who?
We're off to a fantastic start!
Anyway, by the time we got to our hotel, The Peekskill Inn, it was around 11pm and even colder than fuck. Luckily, we had brought our own hooch or I might have died of frosbite trying to find a bar.
The next day, we got up and drove around till we found a nice riverside walkway along which to stroll. We sat on a bench overlooking the majestic Hudson River. "Try not to look at the giant nuclear silo just across the way," said The Boyfriend, "and igore the Con Ed truck parked 10 feet to your left because I have something to tell you."
"Ooh, ok." I said. Hoping The Boyfriend was finally going to reveal that he secretly thinks Star Trek: TNG is cool!
"Last week, when I said I was helping D pick up his new kitchen table, I lied. I was actually looking at wedding rings."
Then The Boyfriend got down on one knee and asked me if I would marry him!
(I said yes, obviously. Hel-lo.)
A little while later, we made some calls to let people know the awesome news. I called my mother. Here's how that went:
The Bird: Mum! Guess what, I'm engaged!
The Mother: To who?
We're off to a fantastic start!
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Gerbils
The Bird: Did you just call me a gerbil?
The Boyfriend: No, I called you a jerkoff!
The Bird: Phew! I thought for a minute you had something against gerbils!
Last night I dreamed that Lenin has risen from the dead and was in New York to do some shopping and, y'know, hang. We took him to see the Radio City Christmas Spectacular. After the show, he confessed that he'd found it "only ok" and asked if The Little Mermaid was still sold out.
The Boyfriend: No, I called you a jerkoff!
The Bird: Phew! I thought for a minute you had something against gerbils!
Last night I dreamed that Lenin has risen from the dead and was in New York to do some shopping and, y'know, hang. We took him to see the Radio City Christmas Spectacular. After the show, he confessed that he'd found it "only ok" and asked if The Little Mermaid was still sold out.
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Upside Down Dogs
Is it wrong that I want to leave work right now so that I can rush home and take upside down photos of all the dogs? It probably is. I'll wait till I get home, then.
Meanwhile, on Season Finale Part I of Project Runway (I DVRd it, so yes, the topic is now this week's fishwrappings), Kenley surprised Planet Erf with a beautiful wedding dress (pictured left)! How can something so delicate and gorgeous come from someone so whiny and annoying? This is the great mystery of Art, I suppose. Or perhaps we're wrong about Kenley and PR just cruelly edits her scenes to make her appear incredibly horrible in every way. Could be! Since when has there been anything "reality" about Reality TV? That's why we watch it.
On the show, Tim Gunn took the deadpan express all the way to Kenley's house and - surprise! - she lives in a railroad apartment in what looks very much like Williamsburg.
I will not be surprised if I see her someday at Taco Chulo crying into some queso.
Well done on the dress, though!
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Rock The Catskills
Idlewild, were it not 100+ miles away in the Catskills, might just be The Bird's dream perch.
The story of the man who bought it for $22k and then renovated the crap out of it, is way more interesting than anything I could say about, say, the cool cabinetry or the "Writer's studio."
I will say this, however: Stately Bushwick Manor needs its very own copy of Carpentry, by Gaspar Lewis!
The story of the man who bought it for $22k and then renovated the crap out of it, is way more interesting than anything I could say about, say, the cool cabinetry or the "Writer's studio."
I will say this, however: Stately Bushwick Manor needs its very own copy of Carpentry, by Gaspar Lewis!
Thursday, October 9, 2008
A Tree Grows on Bushwick
At the moment, I'm reading A Tree Grows in Brooklyn (by Betty Smith). Yesterday, I came across this passage about my very own place of res, Bushwick Avenue:
"Bushwick Avenue was a high-toned boulevard of old Brooklyn. It was a wide, tree-shaded avenue and the houses were rich and impressively built of large granite blocks with long stone stoops. Here lived the big-time politicians, the monied brewery families, the well-to-do immigrants who had been able to come over first-class instead of steerage. They had taken their money... and settled in Brooklyn."
My question is: What the FUCK happened!?
Well, we know the answer: the lure of the suburbs was too much for all those "big-time politicians" and "monied brewery families" to resist. They all moved to McMansions out on Lawn Giland and left Bushwick to the working poor. I'm sure the building of those elevated JMZ tracks right along Broadway did not help either. I wonder what Smith would make of the "high-toned boulevard" if she were alive to see it today! Not much, is my guess.
"Bushwick Avenue was a high-toned boulevard of old Brooklyn. It was a wide, tree-shaded avenue and the houses were rich and impressively built of large granite blocks with long stone stoops. Here lived the big-time politicians, the monied brewery families, the well-to-do immigrants who had been able to come over first-class instead of steerage. They had taken their money... and settled in Brooklyn."
My question is: What the FUCK happened!?
Well, we know the answer: the lure of the suburbs was too much for all those "big-time politicians" and "monied brewery families" to resist. They all moved to McMansions out on Lawn Giland and left Bushwick to the working poor. I'm sure the building of those elevated JMZ tracks right along Broadway did not help either. I wonder what Smith would make of the "high-toned boulevard" if she were alive to see it today! Not much, is my guess.
Thursday, October 2, 2008
My Brain Hurts
Just now, via IM:
The Boyfriend: Watch this and cry with saddness.
The Bird: [Watches the video - another installment of Couric vs Palin on CBS].
The Bird: Oh God...
The Boyfriend: It's like an abortion! On a trainwreck! By a retarded person! It makes my brain hurt.
The Bird: She is so awful it takes my breath away.
The Boyfriend: What do you think they are doing to prep her?
The Bird: I don't know. Putting in fresh batteries?
Earlier, at home, we were less trenchant, though no less witty:
The Boyfriend: Hey, you're wearing blue socks!
The Bird: It's true.
The Boyfriend: It looks like you stepped in a smurf!
The Boyfriend: Watch this and cry with saddness.
The Bird: [Watches the video - another installment of Couric vs Palin on CBS].
The Bird: Oh God...
The Boyfriend: It's like an abortion! On a trainwreck! By a retarded person! It makes my brain hurt.
The Bird: She is so awful it takes my breath away.
The Boyfriend: What do you think they are doing to prep her?
The Bird: I don't know. Putting in fresh batteries?
Earlier, at home, we were less trenchant, though no less witty:
The Boyfriend: Hey, you're wearing blue socks!
The Bird: It's true.
The Boyfriend: It looks like you stepped in a smurf!
Biden Your Time
Joe Biden has a tough job ahead of him in tonight's debate. While it may seem like an easy proposition to debate someone who doesn't believe in dinosaurs, it's actually a lot more difficult than debating a smart, or even mentally competent, person. Think of it as trying to wrestle with a frail old man: go too easy, and the old guy will win; go too hard and you'll be accused of beating up a defenseless old man! Debating Palin is not going to be easy. Putting aside the definite possibility that Biden will fuck this up all by himself, he's going to have to be extremely careful with Palin. He must avoid, at all costs, any of the following:
Looking smug or pleased when Palin says something dumb
Biden must not revel in her idiocy; but at the same time, he must not let her get away with too much.
Being too fact-y or using logic to make an argument
Amercians hate people who know more than they do. Biden must try to steer clear of too many salient points, or reasoned explanations for why things are so fucked up with our country right now.
Accidentally looking at Palin's body
I'm not trying to be prurient here, or suggest that because Palin is considered attractive, Biden is going to be checking her out! I'm just putting forward the possibility that Biden's eyes might rest on his opponent at some point in a way that, if you're looking for a juicy news clip, could be misconstrued. Imagine the constant replay of Biden appearing to leer at Palin and then picture all those swing voters with that image planted in their heads as they mark their ballots. It could happen! Republicans will use anything they can get their hands on - remember the Swift Boat Veterans? Remember when Howard Dean raised his voice slightly that one time? Uh huh.
Getting annoyed
It wasn't a winning strategy for McCain to appear visibly annoyed by Obama during last week's debate. It made him seem like a more grouchy version of Andy Rooney (if such a thing is possible). Not looking Obama in the eye was, frankly, rude. At the very least it was weird. McCain was so twitchy he looked like he'd OD'd on geritol right before kickoff, but I'm getting off topic. If Biden shows too much annoyance at Palin, he will be sunk. If he acts like it's a foregone conclusion that he's going to "win" the debate, he will be sunk. Winning this debate is not about who knows more, whose arguments are put forth with greater reason, or even who's better qualified generally to be veep. This debate won't be "won" at all in the traditional sense. It will merely be "not lost" by the person who fucks up the least. And they are both going to fuck up in their own special ways. All Palin has to do is bate Biden to the point where he says something inapropriate. No one expects anything of Palin. And if she manages to get out a few reasonable arguments during the night, she'll be exceeding expectations so thoroughly that Biden will look like an idiot by comparison.
This is gonna be hard.
Looking smug or pleased when Palin says something dumb
Biden must not revel in her idiocy; but at the same time, he must not let her get away with too much.
Being too fact-y or using logic to make an argument
Amercians hate people who know more than they do. Biden must try to steer clear of too many salient points, or reasoned explanations for why things are so fucked up with our country right now.
Accidentally looking at Palin's body
I'm not trying to be prurient here, or suggest that because Palin is considered attractive, Biden is going to be checking her out! I'm just putting forward the possibility that Biden's eyes might rest on his opponent at some point in a way that, if you're looking for a juicy news clip, could be misconstrued. Imagine the constant replay of Biden appearing to leer at Palin and then picture all those swing voters with that image planted in their heads as they mark their ballots. It could happen! Republicans will use anything they can get their hands on - remember the Swift Boat Veterans? Remember when Howard Dean raised his voice slightly that one time? Uh huh.
Getting annoyed
It wasn't a winning strategy for McCain to appear visibly annoyed by Obama during last week's debate. It made him seem like a more grouchy version of Andy Rooney (if such a thing is possible). Not looking Obama in the eye was, frankly, rude. At the very least it was weird. McCain was so twitchy he looked like he'd OD'd on geritol right before kickoff, but I'm getting off topic. If Biden shows too much annoyance at Palin, he will be sunk. If he acts like it's a foregone conclusion that he's going to "win" the debate, he will be sunk. Winning this debate is not about who knows more, whose arguments are put forth with greater reason, or even who's better qualified generally to be veep. This debate won't be "won" at all in the traditional sense. It will merely be "not lost" by the person who fucks up the least. And they are both going to fuck up in their own special ways. All Palin has to do is bate Biden to the point where he says something inapropriate. No one expects anything of Palin. And if she manages to get out a few reasonable arguments during the night, she'll be exceeding expectations so thoroughly that Biden will look like an idiot by comparison.
This is gonna be hard.
Lil' Lemmy, Part II
Lil' Lemmy was adopted last night by B. He came all the way out to Bushwick and then went all the way to NJ, which I think was intrepid of him - not to mention kind. Lemmy took to him immediately, and I think she'll be very happy in her new home. Plus: I get to look after her over Halloween weekend, which is the next best thing to getting to keep her myself!
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